she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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