If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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