I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
