First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you win again, gameday.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
The struggles of a small town man whore
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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