Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
