If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
