Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize