We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
