If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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