as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
