Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
