Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize