96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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