Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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