I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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