dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
