I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
