I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
