I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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