New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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