it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
