you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
