i barfeds in our rink
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
