White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
