its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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