I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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