my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
