don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
