After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
