sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm too high and old for this...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
