Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize