I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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