my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize