why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
