Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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