the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
