I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize