he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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