ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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