Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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