bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
