Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
