Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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