You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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