I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
