my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
