i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
