Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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