is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
