:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
