Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
A bitchslap is in order.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
