when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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