Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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