thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
