I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
