You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
