Small penises have feelings too.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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