one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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