do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
