have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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