im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
